The Magic of Mirroring & Matching

Have you ever watched a group of friends at a restaurant and noticed how their movements, gestures, and postures often mimic each other?

It’s not coincidental; it’s an unconscious process known as limbic synchrony, or physical mirroring. We naturally emulate the physicality of those we like and display contrary gestures towards those we disagree with.

In communication, mirroring and matching are key techniques from Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), developed by Richard Bandler and John Grinder in the 1970s.

The topic of mirroring is closely related to the discovery of mirror neurons in the brain - one of the most important discoveries of neuroscience in the 1980s. Studies indicated that mirror neurons are activated both when performing a certain action and when observing another person perform this action. This serves as a key understanding of how social connections and empathy are formed in our brain. 

Mirroring and matching is used by the greatest psychotherapists and communicators of our times.The famous FBI hostage negotiator, Chris Voss, the author of “Never Spit the Difference”, teaches mirroring as a critical skill in successful negotiations.  

So, how do we use this powerful technique in everyday communication?

Mirroring is essentially the subtle replication of another person's behavior, gestures, or speech patterns. This method, when practiced with respect and nuance, can significantly enhance the comfort and connectivity between you and your audience, promoting a sense of trust at an unconscious level.

Matching complements mirroring by adjusting your tone, pace, and volume of speech to align with those of your audience. This alignment can make your listeners feel more at ease, fostering a deeper sense of understanding and making your interactions more effective.

On a basic level - if you meet someone whose energy is high - bring yours up. If you are speaking to a shy person, bring your energy down to create a sense of comfort. You have to use common sense and it has to be subtle. Effective mirroring and matching go beyond simple mimicry. It involves more fine adjustments, such as imitation of breathing rate, speech rhythm, volume, pauses, intensity of movements and choice of words. 

The biggest misconception about mirroring and matching is that you have to  give up your essence or forget who you are to blindly copy the other person. This couldn’t be further away from the truth. The goal is not to lose your essence, but to communicate in a language - both verbal and non-verbal - that resonates with the other person. Just as you remain yourself while speaking a foreign language, you maintain your authenticity while adapting to the communication style of others and speaking into their listening.  

Have you tried mirroring and matching? Please share your thoughts.

Happy Speaking!